I noticed something the other day as I sat editing my latest youtube video, Each clip I featured in seemed to buzz with my positivity and happiness. It took me by surprise, not because I feel unhappy, I’m quite aware that I feel better than I have done in years, it was more that I have become so used to seeing sadness in my eyes that this joyful aura took me by surprise.
I remember how I felt only a few months ago, I remember that hollow ache that sat in my stomach day after day and the numb indifference that followed me around like a bad smell. I remember the hopelessness, the despair and general tiredness that came with living another day. It was dark, I felt that darkness sink into me deeper each day and although I remember those feelings vividly I don’t feel even a trace of them anymore.
When you are diagnosed with a mental health issue like depression you are bombarded with statements from people about how it will get better, and how with the right help and/or medication you can live a full and happy life again but whenever people used to come to me with comments like this I wanted to stick a middle finger up at them. How could I possibly get out of this feeling? How could you know there was a way out of this? Because I was oh, so tired of other peoples positive outlook on a future that looked so bleak to me.
Being medicated for my depression changed my life, I am finally able to see a future that doesn’t seem muted in some way. I know how it feels to hit rock bottom, and I know you must think that I don’t get it but when you find the right help for you, whether that be antidepressants, mood stabilisers or therapy your future will suddenly appear so much brighter.
So keep powering through, minute by minute, hour by hour. Because the sun will one day break through the clouds that block your vision and you will feel so full of happiness that you truly question whether you will burst. You will look back and remember all of the feelings that swamped you without being consumed by them.
It gets better I promise.